Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
