if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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