they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
