remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The adults are the big ones right?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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