I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
