Your face is a jimmy john
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
there is puke in my bra ... again
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