I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
