don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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