My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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