his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
