How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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