It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
