Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
