I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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