Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
