so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
