Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
