my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
