Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
