I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
