I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
