I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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