did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
