ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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