If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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