Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
