oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
