i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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