bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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