i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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