i need an iv and a liver transplant
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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