puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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