I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
