If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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