Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
