I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
