its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
