My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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