My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
