I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
