Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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