note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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