Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
