im about as happy as oj after his trial
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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