I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
