the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
