the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I did not marry a roomba.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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