I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
