Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
