he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
