i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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